Black and White Picture
by Liebling
Summary: ‘But she never really grew out of it, just like she never really grew out of loving him.’ (RemusLily)


**Author's Notice:** One of my goals on Spring Break was to write a Remus/Lily (and to write a Harry/Hermione, look for that one soon) =) Anyway, yeah so here's the Remus/Lily, I've always loved those two together with angst smushed in between. 

x

x

x

A long time ago there was but nothing.  The earth was neither shattered nor built...

A long time ago, you weren't born, and she wasn't either.  A long time ago, there was no on to bother you, no one to befriend you, no one...no one for her to fall in love with.

But it's not so long ago now.

x

x

x

She's a mess now, and she should've seen this coming because she never listens to her heart. 

She's a mess now, and the one person who can put her back together is the one person who can't.

She's a mess now, with a beautiful husband and a gorgeous baby.  James and Harry. Harry's her son, you know, and she never asked for this either.  And James is her husband, and he's very good to her, maybe even...too good.

And she should've seen this coming because she never listens to her heart.

x

x

x 

But this story didn't just start yesterday, it started a very long time ago. It started when she was eleven, the time when most stories start.  A child...on the brink of adulthood.

She was always on the brink of things.

And it started when she met a boy, well, a lot of boys. But one boy specifically, and he wormed his way into her heart and she's never been the same since.

x

x

x

If you ask her about her childhood, she'll say that she struggled to be better than Petunia for a very very long time.  Eventually, she'll say in that lazy tone she uses, _I grew out of it._

But she never really grew out of it, just like she never really grew out of loving him. 

If you tell her that she never grew out of anything in a very quietly strong voice she would say, in a more defensive tone, _I grew out of jelly on toast and I grew out of Jay._

Jay was her old teddy bear.  And jelly on toast was what they ate in primary school, five days a week, three meals a day.

Jay's still on her bed and jelly on toast on the counter.

You already know all the answers now.

x

x

x

She's never understood anything about herself.  She knew much about other people, she could tell a sad person from ten miles away and she could tell if you'd just been crying, even if you'd just been laughing. But when it came to her, she didn't know anything.  

It's obvious though, to most seeing people, that she fell in love with Remus Lupin because he was both insanely brilliant and perfectly fantastic.  Perfectly fantastic...she used to always say that in her diary.

'Oh, it was perfectly fantastic.'

But she didn't believe much in diaries.

x

x

x

It was a very wrong thing, mainly because James loved her with every ounce of his being. Which was hard, because he was James and because he was busy.

But it was Remus Lupin that she liked. And it was Remus who listened to her talk and saw right through every fence she put up.  And it was always Remus Lupin who made her eat dinner even when she wasn't hungry, and covered her with blankets when she wasn't cold.

And it was Remus who was her first kiss, anyway.

Thirteen.  Gryffindor common room.  Right after she said that it annoyed her very much  how James got so much attention just for being James Potter.

But it was all a faded memory after that, because she remembers only that it felt nice and that it felt like the sky opened up revealing Heaven. 

x

x

x

Oh, they grew up, of course.  They grew up and no one's turned back time since.

She'd like to turn back time, remember what it was like before James came along.   But James had been there, been there and loving her for quite some time now, and the fact that they would get married was inevitable. 

She has tried to forget the way her eyes locked with Remus the exact moment James asked her out.  The way she just sort of fell into James' arms, even though at that moment the man she loved was the man who had retired to the dormitory on account of wanting to throw up.

James had finally got the girl, and Remus once again returned to the shadows. But this time, she wasn't going with him.

x

x

x

'Remus...I'm sorry.'

'Lily, don't worry about it.  James is a good guy.'

'Not as good as you. Not as insanely brilliant as you. And he doesn't make jelly and toast as well as you either.'

'No, I suppose he doesn't.  But he's...he may even be a pro Quidditch player the way things are going now.'

'but we can still be friends, Lily...'

'Yes,' she said, 'we can always be friends, Remus, darling...'

x

x

x

If you ask her how seventh year went along, she'd probably put her fingers to her temples and tell you very calm-like, _Crying and screaming wouldn't even do it justice...even though there was a lot of it._

If you ask her why she cried and why she screamed her lips would purse and she might comment, if you look at her very intently, _because I was a very unhappy person. And because I didn't just love James...I loved Remus as well. And because I was in a very bad spot, mostly._

x

x

x

But she married James straight out of school.  

Remus was there, of course. In typical clothes, with that typical all-knowing smile that she knew all too well. And that smile didn't scare her, because she knew what he was thinking, she always knew what he was thinking.  He was thinking, today, at least_...James Potter always gets what he wants and Lily Evans, soon to be Potter in about thirty five minutes probably finds this whole ordeal very interesting. She probably thinks she's a Princess. She could've been...well, she could've been a lot of things, none of which dealing with James Potter.  She's pregnant now, I can see you Lily...I know you're hurting..._

The vows were read.  Kisses on the altar.  The wind blowing her hair into her emerald eyes.  Her dress swirling around her ankles.  Her eyes locked with his.  James Potter hugged his bride tightly and whispered in her ear.  

It's a black and white picture, but it doesn't make it any less real.

x

x

x

It's your call, she would've thought, whether you thought she had a happy or miserable life in the end. 

She didn't marry the man she was madly in love with, and she didn't get the marks she wanted at Hogwarts, and her parents never loved her as much as she would've liked.  

But she had something that most people lack.  And she would've told you this too, her voice breaking slightly, maybe.

She would've told you that Remus Lupin was as good as gold to her.

x

x

x

Eleven...

'Remus, don't leave me in the forest all alone!'

'God, you're so slow! Bet you can't catch me!'

'I'll chase you forever!'

'You'll die before you do that.'

...laughing...

'I'll always love you Remus.'

'Good, because it'd be awfully sad loving someone all alone.'

x

x

x

_It's a black and white picture, but it doesn't make it any less real._

x

x

x

End.


End file.
